It's OK to Not Be OK

Not gonna lie, the past couple of months have been amazing. Traveling to new cities and countries every weekend, experiencing the world, drinking (way too much) good wine... and now that I'm back in the States, my world has come to a standstill. There's no more late-night gelato runs, no more spontaneous day trips to the world's most famous art museums, no more walks past the Duomo, no more friends around the corner for post-class dinners out. Last night, I fell apart.

My body completely gave up on me. With so many amazing memories now in the past, I've been feeling trapped and alone. On top of that, the anxieties that were minimized overseas (surprisingly enough) have resurfaced and are eating away at me. I've been nauseous for days, and as much as I'd like to think it was a virus, I'm pretty sure it's a physical manifestation of my social anxiety disorder. In a desperate attempt at some solace, I did the forbidden and reached out on my finsta. I have the best friends and their words were incredibly kind, but I was still so upset that I cried myself to sleep.

The moral of this post isn't to gain sympathy, or to mope about my life. It's to show that it's OK to not be OK. Every once in a while, we all have those moments where the world seems to come crashing down around us. 

But I managed to get up today. My mom knew how upset I was, and though she couldn't physically do anything to help me, she reminded me that she loved me and was there if I needed to talk. And that made a huge difference; knowing I'm not alone can help me push through even the darkest of times. 

I worked at my internship today; I went on a walk with my friends. But if there's a day that you can't get out of bed, that's OK. We can't always be smiley and happy and upbeat; we'd be lying to ourselves if that were true. We will always have days where no amount of Ben and Jerry's or Chianti will get us to stop crying.

I want you to know that you are a beautiful person, inside and out. You are loved, and there are always people who will listen. If you are unable to talk to a loved one or friend (believe me, I know how hard it can be), the following hotlines are toll-free and available 24/7:

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline – Call 800-273-TALK (8255)

Crisis Text Line – Text NAMI to 741-741

Just always remember: you are not alone.