Self-hatred is toxic. For as long as I can remember, I have had a distorted body image and have struggled with feeling comfortable with myself. I have lived my life convinced that I am fat and ugly and unworthy of being loved.

Society has long emphasized that perfect skin, shiny hair, and a trim body are essential to achieving “beauty.” But recently, conversation about “normal” bodies and the increasing fame of curvier models, such as Ashley Graham and Iskra Lawrence, has brought more mainstream attention to the body positivity movement and the idea that beauty isn’t limited to wearing a size zero. These role models have completely changed the way I view myself and have given me more confidence than I ever thought possible.

The body positivity movement does not encourage obesity or unhealthy lifestyles, it promotes confidence and inner beauty and simply aims to spread the message that I am enough. My cellulite, stretch marks and not-perfectly-flat stomach do not take away from my value as a human being. So, so, so many people, girls especially, do not realize this. I remember the ache in my chest when I heard my aunt say that my 10-year-old cousin believed she was fat; it was all too familiar a belief. 10 YEARS OLD. Elementary school is for running around on the playground and giggling about boys with cooties, not worrying about how to lose weight.

I decided to play field hockey in eighth grade because I wanted to find a way to be skinnier; I never told anyone that was the reason, I was just desperate and down on myself. And looking back on it now, going into high school, I was the skinniest I’ve ever been. But it didn’t change how I felt about myself; how much I hated trying on clothes or even looking at myself in the mirror.

It wasn’t until years later, in my sophomore year of college, that I began to accept my body. Through a lot of soul-searching and with the help of the surge of body positive campaigns – from Dove to Aerie Real to trending Twitter hashtags and conversations in the media – I am finally recognizing that God gave me a beating heart and an able mind and body, one that can do so many amazing things like run and laugh and love and explore the world. If I want to change something about myself, I can fucking change it. But change is impossible if I am in denial of my worth. In the past, I tried so hard to work out and be healthy, but I continued to hate myself, and I didn’t find success in my efforts; I just fell back into the vicious cycle and actually gained weight instead of losing it.

To be brutally honest, I’m on the verge of tears as I write this. Like my anxiety, my body image has been a lifelong battle and it’s not the kind of thing that I can fix overnight. I have good days, and then days when I revert to the insecure, self-hating anxious mess that has haunted me for years.

Shopping for swimsuits has always been a nauseating process. But this year, I bought a one piece from Aerie after seeing the model — Iskra Lawrence, a curvy, gorgeous body-love-promoting woman — and tons of others rocking it on social media. And guess what?

I put it on and I went to the damn beach. And I didn’t care what other people thought, because I felt good. Sure, one can say I don’t have a “perfect body,” but WHAT THE HELL EVEN IS A PERFECT BODY?! Every single one of us has flaws and things we wish we could change about ourselves, and if you don’t, kudos to you.

I see these unretouched girls modeling swimsuits for American Eagle, and I think, Wow, she has curves, and she’s gorgeous. I can picture my body in that swimsuit or those jeans. I feel worthy of wearing cute clothes. I feel worthy of being beautiful. I never used to like shopping; dressing room try-ons almost always ended in tears. Now, I love buying new outfits and showing off the body I was blessed with.

My worth is not in my weight or my dress size. It’s in my compassion, my talents, my strengths and my weaknesses.

By gradually learning how to love my body, I can put more focus on doing the things I enjoy, like practicing music, spending time with my family, and hanging out with my friends. I am no longer obsessed with “getting skinny;” I just aim to be healthy, and in doing so, I have found so much more happiness than I ever thought possible.

If I ever have a daughter, I will make sure she is raised with the mindset that any dress size is beautiful. I will teach her to focus her energy on being the best person she can possibly be. And I will pray that she understands just how much she deserves to be loved.

My body does not define me; my anxiety does not define me. I am more than a number. I believe that I deserve to chase my dreams and be happy. I am enough. And I hope you can realize that So. Are. You.